no words at all, at ever a place

I haven’t written anything here for quite a long time. I think part of coming home was to find out more, and the only way that seemed possible was by taking in less, and focusing on what was already inside. It’s been a dark road, and luckily people seem to allow my mind the strange turns it demands. A few things have changed, some obvious and some not so much, all still confusing and never certain. This new work is all consuming, a different commitment, very close, very sad, relentless. The funding applications failed but some new work came when I needed it more than ever and I seem to be fine again. I can buy film, I can buy time, I look at my little car and know it will get the wash it needs…someday…sometime soon. I love being with my family, surrounded by memories and I struggle still to maintain in my mind a worthiness that seems fair. It’s a fear of constant failing in the eyes of the only people that never walk away, that fight when it makes no sense, that say no when it hurt’s like a sharp evil on the mind and skin. I am a lucky person. It could have been great for me, but it’s better, if only i can allow it. I’m getting closer – at least somedays – but the other times loom like burning branches ready to fall, keeping my feet restless and out of tune with time.

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1 Response to “no words at all, at ever a place”


  1. 1 Catia December 7, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    They fight because they love you and you love them back. Its a life-long “contract”, which both parts agree to without consent or signatures. I’m pretty sure they are very proud of you and that amid the mist of those blurry days, the fact that you have a dream, a passion, an uncontrollable desire to do something that you like doing just because you do, makes them see those days as an unavoidable path towards better moments. Consider yourself lucky! Most people dont even have that. And not having it must hurt much more than being confronted with the uncertainties of fighting for the only thing that makes sense in your life. I know that that’s what makes me wanna be your friend.


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Help Adam!

Please post ideas and locations to help with my current project, Northern Ireland Now, which is looking at society in northern ireland. Also email ideas and suggestions to adam at: adam@adampatterson.net

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