no words at all, at ever a place

I haven’t written anything here for quite a long time. I think part of coming home was to find out more, and the only way that seemed possible was by taking in less, and focusing on what was already inside. It’s been a dark road, and luckily people seem to allow my mind the strange turns it demands. A few things have changed, some obvious and some not so much, all still confusing and never certain. This new work is all consuming, a different commitment, very close, very sad, relentless. The funding applications failed but some new work came when I needed it more than ever and I seem to be fine again. I can buy film, I can buy time, I look at my little car and know it will get the wash it needs…someday…sometime soon. I love being with my family, surrounded by memories and I struggle still to maintain in my mind a worthiness that seems fair. It’s a fear of constant failing in the eyes of the only people that never walk away, that fight when it makes no sense, that say no when it hurt’s like a sharp evil on the mind and skin. I am a lucky person. It could have been great for me, but it’s better, if only i can allow it. I’m getting closer – at least somedays – but the other times loom like burning branches ready to fall, keeping my feet restless and out of tune with time.